Random Thoughts

For four years now, I've been a Flybaby. Other Flybabies will know what I'm talking about, and anyone else can check out www.Flylady.net to find out. Flylady has a wonderful system for helping pretty much anyone get organized, get their life under control, and even have a clean house! I can't say it hasn't worked for me.. it just hasn't worked as well as I'd like. Is that just my perfectionism peeking its head out again, or are there things I could improve on?

I just don't take care of the little things on any kind of regular basis. For me, it's mostly a case of procrastination. If something's only going to take two or three minutes, then it's perfectly fine to put it off till later, right? The only problem with that theory is that by the time I get back around to it, it's built up and built up until it takes half an hour!!! Have I trained myself to think that anything less than crisis cleaning isn't worth my valuable time? I do know that I often spend so much time making lists that I forget to factor in any time to actually DO anything on the list!! LOL Yes, I have all sorts of organizational information, tools, etc ... but if I don't USE them, aren't they simply another form of clutter? I can help anyone else get their life organized or their house cleaned, but it's another matter entirely when it comes to my own.

I suspect it has a lot to do with self-worth/self-esteem issues. Doing things for others gains approval and appreciation ... doing things for ourselves.. well.. that's different. Do our families notice if we don't dust the living room? Do they care if the bathroom is swiped daily? Who notices if we do our shopping on Tuesday instead of Monday? Without that outside approval and appreciation, our motivation tends to wane drastically, and gets replaced with things like apathy, self-loathing, irritation, martyr syndrome .. I'm sure lots of you know just what I'm talking about.

Then there's the whole "inner brat" issue. I have one... oh boy, do I have one!! Some psychologists like to prattle on about getting in touch with your "inner child", but that's the least of my worries!! My inner child is quite the brat and loves to run the show. She'd much rather watch TV or read or crochet or make a list of something than actually let me get off my butt and get things done! No, I don't have a split personality, and I'm not schizophrenic. My inner brat is part of me, of who I am. She's not an excuse, not some personality trait I need to stifle or overcome .. she's the fun part of me that gets rather annoyed if I don't take time for me. Unfortunately, she also seems to have the emotional maturity of an eight year old.. LOL .. so I'm still working on some kind of balance. Rewards for things done, a different perspective on less-favoured tasks (like housework) can be a big help, but it's hard work breaking a lifelong habit of creative procrastination!

The bottom line for me is that I need to work on learning to appreciate myself, to treat myself the way others treat me (all my friends think I'm wonderful!), and to be as supportive to myself as I'm always willing to be to others.

Hmmmm... it seems

that I have this tendency to write in my blogs late at night. Maybe that's because I tend to do everything else before I allow myself time for my writing such as it is these days.

After running the idea past hubby, I've decided to write my "rambles" in my blogs. Now I need to decide whether to use this one or the other one. On the one hand, rambling in a blog will encourage me to write the whole thing at once, but there's a certain appeal to being able to save it part way, too. Either way, I'm not writing one tonight.. it's already past midnight, and I'm supposed to be getting my sleep back on some sort of regular schedule.

Has it really........

been two years since I was here?? How weird is that?

So much has happened in the last two years. My "baby" has grown up and is having a baby of her own in just a few weeks. A year ago, I almost lost my hubby to a rare form of flesh-eating disease. My sister and brother-in-law separated, and got back together. Mum has had her knee replacement surgery postponed three times. We even moved into a new place. After twelve years, it was time to graduate from an apartment to a townhouse.

On the other hand, some things are exactly the same. My family exasperates me, I still tend to be overwhelmed by stress, and I still don't write, even though I want to. How did I get so out of touch with my own creativity?

Hmmm.. Interesting

I just noticed something rather interesting.. I'd started the previous entry just over a week ago, and saved it as a draft. Tonight I finished typing it all out, and published it... but the posting date is the original date it was started! Hmmm.. I guess I'll have to keep that in mind, and finish what I start a little quicker in future.

Late Thoughts

I haven't a clue what I want to write in here, since I've never had a "blog" before. Several friends have them, and they look like a neat idea. Hmmm... perhaps that Xanga site I set up four years ago was an early form of blog. I guess I'll never know, cause I never go there anymore. Today Bill and I celebrated our first anniversary. It's actually on Monday, but he's working that night, so we went out for dinner and a movie tonight. We invited the kids to go with us, and they originally accepted, but ended up making plans with their own friends. *sigh*.. they'd better not complain we never spend time with them! Spiderman 2 is a good movie. I'm glad we went. It's kind of weird.. I think that's the second movie we've been to in a month.. not bad for someone who hates to go out.

Why have a blog in the first place? It's not like I couldn't type all this in a draft email or something.. or make a journal in Word like I used to have. Is there something special about putting your innermost thoughts out there on the internet for any and all little cybergremlins to read? For all I know, no one except me will ever read this stuff. Oh well.. I have the silly thing now.. might as well use it. OK, maybe tomorrow.. lol.. it's 11pm and I should get myself to bed.